Hot Hollywood

Kate Hudson is hot (If you hate breasts)

2008-07-03T04:10:00.000-07:00

Kate Hudson and Lance Armstrong had dinner yesterday with Kate's mom Goldie Hawn which must've made Owen Wilson all kinds of jealous. He never got to meet Goldie! This blows. Why is everyone always walking out on him? Fortunately, there's always good, old reliable heroi- Hey! Mr. Syringe, why're you putting on your top hat and monocle? "Sorry, Owen, but I think we should see other people." Awwwww

Jessica Simpson has ‘Best Celebrity Breasts’

2008-07-03T03:57:00.000-07:00

Jessica Simpson's breasts have been recognized as the best in Hollywood by InTouch Weekly. Surprisingly, I wasn't consulted but I'm going to let the ruling stand because, well, boobs. Here's their Top 10 list for your perusal. WARNING: It's full of WTF?:
1. Jessica Simpson2. Tyra Banks3. Scarlett Johansson4. Carmen Electra5. Lindsay Lohan6. Katherine Heigl7. Audrina Patridge8. Jennifer Aniston9. Megan Fox10. Beyoncé KnowlesI'll let you guys debate the inclusion of some of the ladies on this list. I mean, Jennifer Aniston? We're talking about breasts here not permanent nipple hardage for Chrissakes. This is what happens, InTouch, when you leave me out of the vetting process. I bet you didn't even judge the candidates in a hot tub full of Jell-O, did you? Of course not. Dammit, does one believe in science anymore? What a sad state of affairs. I blame the video games. NOTE:Added a photo montage of Jessica Simpson's breasts over the past year along with her video for "These Boots Are Made for Walking" after the jump. You know, the one where she washes the General Lee in a bikini in the greatest act of patriotism since the time I threw an American flag at a French Fry this morning.

Lindsay Lohan’s Secret Sister: The Untold Story

2008-07-03T03:49:00.000-07:00

Word broke that Michael Lohan may have an illegitimate love child floating about. Ashley Kaufmann (above) might be the 13-year-old half-sister of Lindsay Lohan. Ashley's mother Kristi talked to OK! Magazine about the circumstances revolving around Ashley and her apparent Lohan ties. Obviously, this Kristi woman is a terrible parent because, if I were her, I'd just tell Ashley she was adopted. From wolves - with rabies. I guess I'm trying to say "I love kids!" Here's the story rife with Jell-O and abandonment:
"Many times I offered to do this privately so the other Lohan kids wouldn't be hurt," Kristi told OK!. "But Michael would not live up to his obligations."Kristi says she met Lohan at dinner with a mutal friend in the 1980's. Years later, the two met up again in 1994 and began an affair."It went on for about 4 weeks," she says. "He told me he was separated from Dina. He told me about Lindsay's Jell-O commerical. He took me to meet his parents. We were in love."Trouble started when Kristi found out she was pregnant, and Michael, being the honorable man, hopped a train and disappeared into the Great American Wilderness (i.e. got drunk and ended up in jail.) The man's a patriot:
Over the years, she says she tried to get in touch with Michael in the hope that he would recognize Ashley,13, as his daughter, and finally received a phone call from him during his time in jail where Kristi says Michael finally admitted, "I always knew she was mine."Michael has written several letters to Ashley over the years, but the two have still not met.The fucked up thing is Michael Lohan was saying he's the father without even having a paternity test. How do I know? The stupid clown sold the exclusive news to Star that he just took one - yesterday! First off, should the test be negative, I think that might do psychological damage to a child. Then again that's the Lohans' bread and butter. Second, you don't cop to an illegitimate child without DNA results staring you straight in the face. "Even then, you say you were framed then dive out the courtroom window. For the Lord hath said 'This is good and right in my eyes.'" (Psalms of Superficial 12:16).
Photo: OK! Magazine

Britney Spears shows off her panties/butt crack

2008-07-03T03:42:00.000-07:00

I wasn't going to post these to save you from, well, having to look at them, but here's Britney Spears showing off her panties in Los Angeles over the weekend. Maybe 'showing off' isn't the right choice of words here, since the photographers are basically sticking their hands up her skirt. I'm not sure why any reasonable human being would attempt to zoom in on Britney Spears' butthole like that, but this is the paparazzi we're talking about. I guess we should just be thankful they stopped there. Also, what the hell is going on with the texture of Britney Spears' private area? It looks like somebody decided to replace her vagina with a dirty old man's armpit. NOTE: Pics might be NSFW, depending on how you classify the horrible-looking area around Britney Spears' taint.

Bachelorette DeAnna Pappas in a bikini is free to eliminate my pants

2008-07-03T03:30:00.000-07:00

DeAnna Pappas is this season's The Bachelorette and seeing her in a bikini almost makes me consider putting on a tux and competing for her hand in marriage. I mean, what do those other guys have besides looks, money and non-misogynistic world views? That's for suckers. I'm willing to commit myself to one vagina in defiance of logic and nature for 40+ secretly unhappy, but it's pretty much written on our faces especially after that time I got the clap from a stripper, years. I guess what I'm trying to say is, I'm an old romantic.

Christina Aguilera still has huge breasts, and something about voting

2008-07-03T03:21:00.000-07:00

Christina Aguilera stopped by Larry King Live last night (video after the jump) to talk about her involvement in Rock the Vote. She recently filmed a PSA where she sings "America the Beautiful" while holding newborn baby Max. Christina just wants people to vote and wouldn't endorse a specific candidate. She also admitted this is her first time voting in an election and then said some sentimental stuff about her son. Honestly, I started tuning out when I realized most of the footage was from the neck up which is all well and good. Anytime I see Christina's ridiculous chest, I weep uncontrollably. I can't get over the fact that Jordan Bratman touches those things every night while wearing nothing but an Iron Man mask and socks. Who are you really, Bratman? Name yourself!

Katherine Heigl’s wardrobe consists solely of bikinis (Someone get this woman a Nobel Prize, please.)

2008-07-03T03:12:00.000-07:00

Katherine Heigl was spotted at her home yesterday getting ready to relax in her pool. Apparently she's not done wearing a bikini, and God bless her, may just wear one all summer. In the meantime, why is she hiding in fear in her own house from the paparazzi? I don't know about you, but if the paps were in my abode trying to snap a pic I'd come at them with something they'd never suspect: the whole fruit basket. I mean, these guys obviously braved the landmines, moat and T-Rex* to get a shot of your's truly, so they deserve a glimpse of something awesome and possibly diamond-crusted. Wink. *I have many valuables. (Read: Comic books and Swedish fish.)

Rod Stewart requires breastfeeding at 63

2008-07-03T03:03:00.000-07:00

Rod Stewart and his wife English model Penny Lancaster were sailing in the Mediterranean over the weekend and apparently it was time for Rod's feeding. While I assumed that would require the blood of peasant children, it was way, way weirder than that. Turns out Rod Stewart is breastfed by his wife. I'll pause for a moment while you fuck the what. I guess growing old does come with some advantages - provided you're a world-famous millionaire singer with a yacht. Otherwise, this experience doesn't really translate well for us regular folks. Right, Grandpa? Hey, where'd you get a grenade? NOTE: Pics link to NSFW versions that you can click on at your own risk - unless you hate having erections. Then by all means... Thanks to Karen for making me suspicious of nursing homes. Or should I say - dens of iniquity? I blame the bread pudding.

Miranda Kerr gets topless for Orlando Bloom

2008-07-02T00:55:00.000-07:00

Victoria's Secret model Miranda Kerr and boyfriend Orlando Bloom hit up Gran Canaria, Spain for some topless action. I love how she's using a book to cover her fun parts. When I'm nude it requires the whole Encyclopedia Brittanica to cover my business. You know, once it loaded onto an iPod. I should really turn the AC down in my apartment. Yeah, that's gotta be it... NOTE: Pics link to uncensored NSFW versions which include a Miranda Kerr nipple and, for the ladies/Geekologist, an entire Orlando Bloom buttocks. Who loves ya?

Cheryl Burke of Dancing With The Stars in a bikini

2008-07-02T00:38:00.000-07:00

If you've ever watched ABC's Dancing with the Stars, then you'll recognize professional ballroom dancer Cheryl Burke enjoying the beach in Hawaii. If you're like me and do more productive things like drink whiskey and build LEGOs, you have no idea who the hell she is. However, Cheryl passes the ever critical test of being on this site: A.) she's quasi-famous. and most importantly B.) she's in a bikini. Tom Brokaw once asked me how I've adhered to such high standards for so long. I just looked him deep in the eyes and said "No, Tom, you're not getting a job here." Then he suckered punched me in the pancreas. Non-fiction tale. NOTE: Last pic is LSFW depending on your work's areola policy. Here, we allow it. But only in the context of breast-feeding or stirring my coffee. Because, at The Superficial, it's people who matter most.

Mary Carey in a bikini = CLASSY

2008-06-24T01:05:00.000-07:00

Mary Carey (VH1 Celebrity Rehab, a shitload of porn) celebrated her 28th birthday yesterday with her boyfriend in Las Vegas. If I ever get married, when it comes time to plan the wedding I'm going to point to this last picture and say "That stuff. I want that stuff to happen." And by that stuff I mean me pouring water on a porn star while wearing a shirt that will make random strangers want to throw a chainsaw at my face. So, pretty much the most romantic day ever.

Gisele Bundchen might be kind of sort of freaking hot - and also topless

2008-06-24T00:55:00.000-07:00

Anyone get the feeling Gisele Bundchen is suggesting something directly to me, The Superficial Writer? It's either something really awesome like Naked Battleship, or she needs a chiropractor. Who knows? But I better stare at these photos from the latest issue of GQ for a few more hours/days to be sure. In the meantime, scope out this excerpt from Gisele's interview:
Forbes has reported that you made $35 million last year, more than twice as much as any other model in the world.Do you think that’s important to me? Look, this is my job. I take pictures. There is no big deal. I would like to know who this reporter is finding out all of these amounts. And I would like him to talk to my accountant and figure out where is the cash that’s missing. Because I haven’t seen it.Did I also mention Gisele has the world's shittiest accountant and loves being robbed blind? Finally, a woman with money falling out of her vagina! And they all laughed at me. "That's just some crazy sketch you made in the men's room," they said. Ha! Who's laughing now? (Not counting Tom Brady who's about to suffer a horrible canoe accident. Anyone got a torpedo I can borrow?) NOTE: Pics link to possibly NSFW versions, depending on how good you are at making out a nipple.

Jamie Lynn Spears has her baby - and it’s a girl!

2008-06-24T00:46:00.000-07:00

Jamie Lynn Spears gave birth to baby girl Maddie Briann this morning. The father is Jamie Lynn's boyfriend Cassey Aldridge (but don't quote me on that.) People reports:
"Just the family was there," says a source about the birth around 9:30 a.m. at a hospital in Mississippi, near her Louisiana hometown. "Everyone is healthy and happy."What's awesome is the pictures above were taken last night at El Dorado Mexican restaurant. They say spicy food jump starts the labor process, so obviously she was ready to get this thing done. Either that or Britney put a gun to her head and demanded tacos now. Don't give her no lip about contractions. Ha ha, sisters. Congratulations to Jamie Lynn and Casey. I look forward to hearing Maddie's first single next week.

Paris Hilton is getting fat

2008-06-24T00:32:00.000-07:00

What're you seeing above is a deliberate attempt by Paris Hilton to gain attention by wearing maternity clothes. But since I drink 12 cups of awesome for breakfast, I'm going a different route: Paris Hilton is getting fat. Sources say she's moved from Coke Zero to Diet Coke and is eating whole sandwiches instead of her usual diet of heroin with a twig of celery. And, let me tell you, it's really starting to show in those thighs, folks. I'll take that medal whenever it's ready.

Kate Hudson & Lance Armstrong act like they didn’t just have sex in his apartment

2008-06-24T00:24:00.000-07:00

Kate Hudson and Lance Armstrong were caught leaving his Manhattan apartment yesterday. I think the look on Kate's face says it all: "Could've used more testicle."

Lindsay Lohan hasn’t killed anyone on set of new movie - yet

2008-06-24T00:07:00.000-07:00

The producers for Lindsay Lohan's new movie Labor Pains are saying "so far, so good" on her behavior. Or at least the film's publicists are saying that because, for all we know, Lindsay could be lighting the crews' cigarettes with her vagina. (You heard it here first.) People reports:
Lindsay would quit one annoying little habit: Acting like a lesbian. She's not fooling anyone. "We were a little bit reluctant to work with her," Lati Grobman, one of the producers, tells PEOPLE. "But she's been amazing.""The difference between her and the other girls that are naughty in the business is that she's actually talented. It's not [like] Paris Hilton and the rest of them. We took the chance. It's good that we did. So far, so good."Though the producers wish Especially after having sex with all the teamsters, and a homeless man who wandered too close to set. Poor bastard just wanted some scraps from the snack table. Let's just say he bit off more than he could chew... I'm actually serious. He had half a Cornish hen in his mouth before Lindsay tackled him.

Keanu Reeves hangs out with random topless chick, is truly The One

2008-06-23T23:44:00.000-07:00

Keanu Reeves was spotted hanging out on the French Riviera with an unknown topless woman yesterday which forced top scientists to conclude that "Yes, that crazy ass Matrix shit is for real."
NOTE: Pics link to NSFW versions that will make you wonder why Point Break isn't considered biblical canon. Patch me through to the Pope.

Tila Tequila apparently has a penis now

2008-06-21T05:54:00.000-07:00

Tila Tequila sat down for an interview with King Magazine where she addressed the rumors that she's not really a bisexual:

What about the people who say you’re not really bisexual—that you’re hetero and just pretending for the show? Care to set the record, uh, straight?
They can suck my dick.

Wait, she has a penis now? Why wasn't I told of this? Get me the White House. In the meantime, here's what else Tila had to say. She really wants that third season:

If you’re faking bisexuality, then you’d be one of those Girls Gone Wild girls. I’m not one of those fake ones. I have real emotions for people, whether they’re male or female. So whoever said that shows me that they’re really ignorant, and it makes me cringe. It’s like saying, “Hey, you’re not really Vietnamese, you’re just trying to be.” How do you answer that?

"'Hey, you're not really Vietnamese, you're just trying to be.' How do you answer that?" Um, are you serious? Did Tila Tequila literally equate proving your ethnicity with proving your bisexuality? You see one of them, ethnicity, is a documented fact. While the other, bisexuality, is a clever marketing tool used by an elf in a bikini. Fun Fact: Tila brought her own fishbowl for this photo shoot to be taken in. She said, "Bisexuals always come prepared!" Then spent five hours crying for someone to believe her. And that, boys and girls, is where butterflies come from!

Britney Spears. A bikini. VEGAS! This time terror doubles down

2008-06-21T05:43:00.000-07:00

I lounge with a stiff drink in my hands. My wounds from that creature, that ABOMINATION, still stung from the chlorine in the pool. But I'm safe here. We left it for dead in Costa Rica. Thousands of miles away. I sip from my whiskey. Ah, Vegas, you make everything better. For a moment, I close my eyes and savor the sun. "Y'AAALLLL" NO! How?! Not here! My God, the people... Is there nowhere a man can gamble without fear of mastication by forces unknown? More importantly, I just had this room comped. "Y'AAALLLL" Let this be the final countdown, monster. Today, one man fights back - with a vengeance. And, also, a lounge chair slathered in bacon. EN GARDE!

Katherine Heigl in a bikini has the poise of a Yeti

2008-06-21T05:33:00.000-07:00

Katherine Heigl slipped off to Mexico this weekend with her husband Josh Kelley. When I initially found out there were bikini pics of Katherine, I expected some sexy awesomeness. What I got instead is akin to seeing my arthritic grandma lumber across the dunes of Tatooine. Anyone who got that joke, I just want you to know not all girls look like this. Keep trying to make contact and, eventually, one of them will touch your lightsaber. Statistics is on your side! NOTE: The Geekologie Writer is on record saying he'd hit it. I informed him we were talking about Katherine Heigl and not my grandmother. He has since retracted his statement. Not sure what he did with all that prune juice though.

Pussycat Dolls unveil new video, Britney not included

2008-06-21T05:12:00.000-07:00

Britney Spears filmed a cameo for the new Pussycat Dolls video "When I Grow Up," but her part was quietly axed before the debut over the weekend. To be honest, I'm not really sure why Britney was included in the first place. The video showcases the Dolls' peak physical fitness, proficient choreography and ability to respond to verbal interaction. So basically everything that Britney Spears is not. Unless choreography is code for "I love Wendy's Baconator." Video after the jump .

Jessica Simpson loves meat

2008-06-21T04:59:00.000-07:00

Jessica Simpson was spotted at LAX this weekend wearing a T-shirt that reads "Real Girls Eat Meat." Ha, adorable. I also love funny T's and whipped up one that I think she'll love. It reads: "Jessica Simpson shouldn't wear T-shirts. Or any clothing in the chest vicinity through the near to foreseeable future." Catchy, I know. Now all I need is a sweatshop... Anyone getting bored with their kids?

Kim Kardashian in a bikini = Sweet Christ she’s not hiding her butt for once!

2008-06-14T03:36:00.000-07:00

Kim Kardashian and her sister Kourtney did some bikini modeling this morning in Monaco. And, yes, you're actually looking at Kim's ass not covered by a sarong. Some might say these shots put an end to the buttpad debate, but I say "Not fucking quite." They only add to a new debate on extremely long distance photography and, what I'm suggesting is, choreographed butt-flexing. Touché, Kim Kardashian. Touché.

Stifler: I had sex with Jessica Simpson

2008-06-14T03:21:00.000-07:00

Stifler, whose real name is apparently Sean William Scott (I had no idea.), addressed the Internet rumors about why there's tension between him and Nick Lachey. Turns out Stifler and Jessica Simpson had what grown-up's call a "special hug." Here's my brief transcribing of what he said to WorldStarHip-Hop.com :

DJ Whoo Kid: I heard you had beef with Nick Lachey, man.
Stifler: Oh, 'cause I fucked Jessica Simpson?
[Assorted OH!'s, DAMN's, That is WACK!'s]
Stifler: No, but I did!
DJ Whoo Kid: One rumor out da way!

Why wasn't this bit of awesome included on the Dukes of Hazard DVD? And why did I just admit I watched said DVD? I should've admitted something a little less embarrasing - like that I have chlamyida. Don't worry; I'm on antibiotics. Ladies. Audio after the jump .

Tommy Lee confirms Pamela Anderson moved back in, pornlarity to ensue

2008-06-14T02:55:00.000-07:00

Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee are officially reconciled and living together. Tommy revealed the news to Rolling Stone, but only because he thought they were a really cool pineapple with a tape recorder:

“Pamela and the kids have moved in with me,” said a beaming Tommy Lee. “It’s awesome, man. It’s definitely working. You can tell on the kids’ faces — they’re happy when we’re together. We’ve only given it a try 800 times — 801, here we go.”

After the interview ended, Tommy Lee proceeded to have sex with 20 hookers while saying "Yeah, man, I just really hope things work out. For the kids. I mean, I think I'm on the right trac- Holy shit, what am I doing? This isn't right. I specifically ordered these chicks with flasks of JD around their necks. I can't stressalize how muy mondo importante good customer service is, bro-seph. Yeah, I don't know what the hell I just said either."

Angelina Jolie loves that prego-sex

2008-06-13T03:38:00.000-07:00

Angelina Jolie sat down for a Q&A with Entertainment Weekly where she talked about her new movies Wanted and Changeling. The interview also strayed into Angelina's personal life where she admitted that being pregnant is awesome in the sack:

It's great for the sex life. It just makes you a lot more creative. So you have fun, and as a woman you're just so round and full.But just in case you think Angelina is all Hollywood with the doing it.

She's still weird as hell and so are her kids:

'Mad, our 6-year-old, draws lots of war scenarios,'' she explains. ''He's all into war and guns. So for Mother's Day he drew a machine gun, and Brad had it made into a necklace, which is really sweet. It's really cute. I think it's really good!''A machine gun necklace from a six-year-old. Let me guess: he walked in on the prego-sex? This is why God invented Children's Tylenol, Angie. "But, mommy, I not sick." "You are tonight... BRAD, I did my three! Take your pill!"

Lindsay Lohan gets topless for credit cards

2008-06-12T02:33:00.000-07:00

After some heavy topics involving Jesus, gay people drinking and comas as self-improvement, I felt it's time for some lighter fare. These are shots of Lindsay Lohan: the face of the 2008 UK Visa Swap which apparently involves charitable Europeans swapping used clothes. I dunno. But what I do know, is that I'm definitely feeling my "credit score" rising. Aww yeah. But, seriously, I've found David Bach's DOLP system to be practical and effective for improving your credit. I'll tell you all about it if someone can put a freaking shirt on Chesty LaRue up there. For the love of - this is a family site!

Heidi Montag: unposed without make-up (GASP!)

2008-06-12T00:14:00.000-07:00

I'm really trying not to post about Walking Barbie here, but, admittedly, I find perverse joy when she's caught by the paps not wearing (Edit: a metric ton of) make-up at LAX (above) or gets stuck in an ATM vestibule. It's obvious Heidi is out of her element when she's not posing for the Sears catalog from Hell. Also, she and Spencer seem to be having a tiff. I bet it involved an in-flight restroom and who gets to face the mirror. Even more amusing is how clearly you can read Heidi's thoughts just looking at her face: "I WUV KITTENS!"

Pamela Anderson hates bras, hearts Canada

2008-06-10T05:37:00.000-07:00

Pamela Anderson has made it her mission to show the entire Northern Hemisphere her nipples. Here she is at a Grand Prix party she threw in Montreal over the weekend. Her shirt is a tad on the transparent side which is convenient considering her bra is a tad on the not-freaking-there side. Fancy! It's almost like Pam looks in the mirror every day and thinks of new ways to showcase her nips: "Hmm, this shirt is nice, but it needs something - Bingo! Hearts cut out of the chest so my Tic-Tacs stick out! Yippee! Now, if only I was allowed near sharp objects..." NOTE: Pics link to NSFW version but, really, are Pamela Anderson's nipples that taboo? They're so commonplace these days it's like looking at a traffic light - with breasts.

Phoebe Price in a bikini (She's famous. I think...)

2008-06-10T05:20:00.000-07:00

Phoebe Price is a model/actress (Aren't we all?) seen here on the beach in Malibu. I'm not familiar with her work, but I'm noticing Phoebe's skilled at pretending she's going to show you her vagina then, just kidding, not really. Interesting. My date to prom pulled a similar trick. Except she was hiding her penis, so what's Phoebe's excuse? El Niño? HA! I went there. Next up, a joke about Y2K only on The Superficial. Stick around.

Christina Aguilera wants more babies (Read: Behemoth breasts here to stay)

2008-06-04T07:00:00.000-07:00

Christina Aguilera is ready for Baby #2 and plans to turn her uterus into a Sasquatch distribution center, according to The Sun:
When asked if she wants more babies, Christina replied: “Yes, absolutely. Absolutely! Motherhood comes very naturally to me. I think a whole new confidence comes with being a mother. I feel very confident and very sexy as a mother.”

And it's official: Jordan Bratman's penis shoots not only sperm but diamond-crusted solid gold bars that also function as a Wii. Ha ha! I knew it! Who's the crazy one now, field of medicine?

Queen Latifah in a swimsuit = jolly!

2008-06-04T06:27:00.000-07:00

Upholding my never-ending quest to post bikini pictures of the stars, here's shots of Queen Latifah in Miami enjoying some aquatic activities. As a boob-lover, all I can say is DAMN! Where do the breasts end and the woman begin? But, seriously, I really want to know. I've been staring at these pics for hours and I'm totally lost. Okay, that's a thigh. Or is it an arm? Wait, I'm looking at manatee pictures. How'd these get mixed in? Geekologist!

Audrina Patridge flashes her panties

2008-06-03T05:55:00.000-07:00

Audrina Patridge of The Hills, and more importantly this bikini post, flashed her panties while getting out of her car over the weekend. I don't like to acknowledge Audrina's existence or any other "stars" of The Hills and, to prove that, I'm going to post an internal memo that's shooting around our office. Consider this a "behind the scenes" look at The Superficial:
MEMORANDUM
TO: The Superficial Writer
FROM: The Superficial Writer
RE: The Hills and the asshats upon which it contains.
Henceforth, no person of questionable celebrity from the MTV show The Hills will be posted on The Superficial without meeting the strictest of guidelines. This applies to Heidi Montag, Spencer Pratt, Audrina Patridge, Lauren Conrad and the other people whose names will never be important enough to remember. In fact, I'm embarrassed to know the four I just listed. On to the guidelines:
1. Fake jugs must be prominently displayed in a bikini. (See: Heidi, Audrina. Don't see: Lauren.)
2. Panty flashification.
3. Sex tapes - but only if clip is provided. The Superficial retains the right to not air clip if it shows Spencer's penis. (Edit: The Geekologie Writer and the science dept. has classified Spencer's penis in the same category as unicorns: Totally fucking made up.)
4. Toplessness.
5. Bottomlessness.
6. Something really unbelievably awesome happens. i.e. Heidi gets hit in the mouth with a space shuttle, Lauren does something that doesn't put me to sleep, Audrina's eye unwonks itself, etc.
If none of these conditions are present, the existence of the aforementioned asshats will be denied. In essence, we're now in the business of doing God's work but with an eye towards boobs. Ha! You just got pwned, Big Guy.
END MEMO

Megan Fox wants to have sex 24/7… heh

2008-06-03T05:08:00.000-07:00

Megan Fox apparently has an insatiable hunger for doin' it. She recently told FHM that she's obsessed with sex and doesn't really see a point in doing anything else. Here's the exact quote via Hollyscoop.com:

"I have the libido of a teenage boy. I'd rather have sex all the time than leave the house."

Excuse me, my penis seems to have rocketed off my body and blasted into orbit. *picks up phone* Hello? NASA? Uh huh, the wiener again. I'll take my usual shuttle. Listen, while we're up there can you can get me some numbers on possibly, I dunno, firing a bazooka at Brian Austin Green's face. I'm actually not particular as to where it lands but I'd prefer his last words be "Megan, do the guy who writes The Superficial." I'd crunch the numbers myself but my algebra's a bit rusty. You'll do it? Fantastic. You guys truly are "the right stuff." Oh, man, get it? Like the movie? Hello? Shit... Special thanks to Andrew for alerting me to the greatest news in the history of, uh, news-alism.

Photos: Bauer-Griffin, Splash News

Lindsay Lohan’s bikini- holy crap, WHERE ARE HER BOOBS?!

2008-05-30T00:15:00.000-07:00

Lindsay Lohan went for a dip while partying in Cannes over the weekend. Is anyone else terribly disappointed by these pics as I am? I mean, you'd figure Lindsay Lohan in a bikini would look jugs-rific but not so much. So basically, Lindsay Lohan naked = meh. Lindsay Lohan in a bikini = meh meh. But Lindsay Lohan rocking the push-up bra = WOO-HOO!!! Remind me to send her a gift card to Victoria's Secret. And some super glue. EDIT: Speculation is high that this isn't Lindsay Lohan, so I added some more shots. Personally, I'm having my doubts. No boobies, no freckles but the face and body look like her. Also the shots were taken in Eden Roc where Lindsay is staying. This will be one of the greatest debates of our time - until later when I post some wicked ass Kim Kardashian pics. Bam! I just popped you with a teaser. You should really wear a cup when visiting this site.

Jessica Simpson - wait for it - IN A BIKINI!

2008-05-29T23:07:00.000-07:00

Jessica Simpson headed off to Mexico with her mom and dad after Ashlee's weekend wedding. Fortunately, the paparazzi followed her and managed to catch Jessica, I do not shitteth upon thee, giving herself a breast exam and chilling in a bikini. On the flip-side, these pics are a little grainy, so you'll have to use your imagination like I am. Right now Jessica Simpson is covering her ample bosom with suntan lotion while Snarf from ThunderCats watches. And, oh, hey, here comes Ariel the Little Mermaid with some pudding. Ha ha! I smell food fight. Snarf, that'd be your cue to leave. This is man business.

Karina Smirnoff nipples Mario Lopez in the face, gets hurled in disgust

2008-05-28T07:45:00.000-07:00

Karina Smirnoff and her Dancing With The Stars lover/partner A.C. Slater hit the beach in Miami over the holiday weekend. Slater and Karina attempted to pull off some dance moves in the ocean until Karina's bare nipple hit him in the nose. A.C. responded by dumping her ass face first into the sea. All, while screaming, "Ew! EW! Ohmygod ohmygod it touched my nose! Does anyone have a wetnap? Seriously." NOTE: Pics link to NSFW versions. Unless your boss is cool with Saved By the Bell characters getting nipped in the retina then, by all means, proceed.

Kim Kardashian has a butt - or does she??

2008-05-28T04:33:00.000-07:00

Kim Kardashian threw a party over the weekend at White House and apparently walked down a catwalk greeting fans. But none of that's important. What is important is the fact that I've seen less insulation on a fucking astronaut. So, without further ado and in spite of the cries from our server, I ask you, intrepid readers, the most controversial question of our time: Is Kim Kardashian wearing a buttpad? DISCUSS!

Britney Deals With The Raunchy Video Scandal

2008-05-27T06:16:00.000-07:00

The pop princess and her husband don’t want the saucy tape to be made public :-

Britney fears that the allegedly x-rated video she made with her husband Kevin Federline will be released on the

market.

The pop princess and her husband could be facing an embarrassing exposure if someone reveals the saucy secret to all their fans.

Apparently, someone from Britney’s group allegedly recorded the nasty video while Britney was pregnant with her first baby, Sean Preston. He is reportedly threatening to release it.

According to The Sun online, a source was quoted by US Weekly magazine as saying: "He has threatened to release raunchy footage of the two taken before Spears looked pregnant."

It seems that a copy of the original tape viewed by the couple's lawyers "elicited laughter and disgust".

But Kevin and Britney, whose Chaotic reality TV series is currently airing on digital channel E4, are desperately seeking to avoid the public release of their home-made video.

Colin Farrell has also found himself in the same situation earlier this year.
The Hollywood actor appealed to the Court to block the release of a tape he made with his ex-girlfriend, Playboy playmate Nicole Narain.

Limp Bizkit front man Fred Durst also sued 10 website operators this spring, for posting the rocker's 2003 homemade sex tape after it was stolen from his computer.