Kate Hudson is hot (If you hate breasts)

Kate Hudson and Lance Armstrong had dinner yesterday with Kate's mom Goldie Hawn which must've made Owen Wilson all kinds of jealous. He never got to meet Goldie! This blows. Why is everyone always walking out on him? Fortunately, there's always good, old reliable heroi- Hey! Mr. Syringe, why're you putting on your top hat and monocle? "Sorry, Owen, but I think we should see other people." Awwwww

Jessica Simpson has ‘Best Celebrity Breasts’

Jessica Simpson's breasts have been recognized as the best in Hollywood by InTouch Weekly. Surprisingly, I wasn't consulted but I'm going to let the ruling stand because, well, boobs. Here's their Top 10 list for your perusal. WARNING: It's full of WTF?:
1. Jessica Simpson2. Tyra Banks3. Scarlett Johansson4. Carmen Electra5. Lindsay Lohan6. Katherine Heigl7. Audrina Patridge8. Jennifer Aniston9. Megan Fox10. Beyoncé KnowlesI'll let you guys debate the inclusion of some of the ladies on this list. I mean, Jennifer Aniston? We're talking about breasts here not permanent nipple hardage for Chrissakes. This is what happens, InTouch, when you leave me out of the vetting process. I bet you didn't even judge the candidates in a hot tub full of Jell-O, did you? Of course not. Dammit, does one believe in science anymore? What a sad state of affairs. I blame the video games. NOTE:Added a photo montage of Jessica Simpson's breasts over the past year along with her video for "These Boots Are Made for Walking" after the jump. You know, the one where she washes the General Lee in a bikini in the greatest act of patriotism since the time I threw an American flag at a French Fry this morning.

Lindsay Lohan’s Secret Sister: The Untold Story

Word broke that Michael Lohan may have an illegitimate love child floating about. Ashley Kaufmann (above) might be the 13-year-old half-sister of Lindsay Lohan. Ashley's mother Kristi talked to OK! Magazine about the circumstances revolving around Ashley and her apparent Lohan ties. Obviously, this Kristi woman is a terrible parent because, if I were her, I'd just tell Ashley she was adopted. From wolves - with rabies. I guess I'm trying to say "I love kids!" Here's the story rife with Jell-O and abandonment:
"Many times I offered to do this privately so the other Lohan kids wouldn't be hurt," Kristi told OK!. "But Michael would not live up to his obligations."Kristi says she met Lohan at dinner with a mutal friend in the 1980's. Years later, the two met up again in 1994 and began an affair."It went on for about 4 weeks," she says. "He told me he was separated from Dina. He told me about Lindsay's Jell-O commerical. He took me to meet his parents. We were in love."Trouble started when Kristi found out she was pregnant, and Michael, being the honorable man, hopped a train and disappeared into the Great American Wilderness (i.e. got drunk and ended up in jail.) The man's a patriot:
Over the years, she says she tried to get in touch with Michael in the hope that he would recognize Ashley,13, as his daughter, and finally received a phone call from him during his time in jail where Kristi says Michael finally admitted, "I always knew she was mine."Michael has written several letters to Ashley over the years, but the two have still not met.The fucked up thing is Michael Lohan was saying he's the father without even having a paternity test. How do I know? The stupid clown sold the exclusive news to Star that he just took one - yesterday! First off, should the test be negative, I think that might do psychological damage to a child. Then again that's the Lohans' bread and butter. Second, you don't cop to an illegitimate child without DNA results staring you straight in the face. "Even then, you say you were framed then dive out the courtroom window. For the Lord hath said 'This is good and right in my eyes.'" (Psalms of Superficial 12:16).
Photo: OK! Magazine

Britney Spears shows off her panties/butt crack

I wasn't going to post these to save you from, well, having to look at them, but here's Britney Spears showing off her panties in Los Angeles over the weekend. Maybe 'showing off' isn't the right choice of words here, since the photographers are basically sticking their hands up her skirt. I'm not sure why any reasonable human being would attempt to zoom in on Britney Spears' butthole like that, but this is the paparazzi we're talking about. I guess we should just be thankful they stopped there. Also, what the hell is going on with the texture of Britney Spears' private area? It looks like somebody decided to replace her vagina with a dirty old man's armpit. NOTE: Pics might be NSFW, depending on how you classify the horrible-looking area around Britney Spears' taint.

Bachelorette DeAnna Pappas in a bikini is free to eliminate my pants

DeAnna Pappas is this season's The Bachelorette and seeing her in a bikini almost makes me consider putting on a tux and competing for her hand in marriage. I mean, what do those other guys have besides looks, money and non-misogynistic world views? That's for suckers. I'm willing to commit myself to one vagina in defiance of logic and nature for 40+ secretly unhappy, but it's pretty much written on our faces especially after that time I got the clap from a stripper, years. I guess what I'm trying to say is, I'm an old romantic.

Christina Aguilera still has huge breasts, and something about voting

Christina Aguilera stopped by Larry King Live last night (video after the jump) to talk about her involvement in Rock the Vote. She recently filmed a PSA where she sings "America the Beautiful" while holding newborn baby Max. Christina just wants people to vote and wouldn't endorse a specific candidate. She also admitted this is her first time voting in an election and then said some sentimental stuff about her son. Honestly, I started tuning out when I realized most of the footage was from the neck up which is all well and good. Anytime I see Christina's ridiculous chest, I weep uncontrollably. I can't get over the fact that Jordan Bratman touches those things every night while wearing nothing but an Iron Man mask and socks. Who are you really, Bratman? Name yourself!

Katherine Heigl’s wardrobe consists solely of bikinis (Someone get this woman a Nobel Prize, please.)

Katherine Heigl was spotted at her home yesterday getting ready to relax in her pool. Apparently she's not done wearing a bikini, and God bless her, may just wear one all summer. In the meantime, why is she hiding in fear in her own house from the paparazzi? I don't know about you, but if the paps were in my abode trying to snap a pic I'd come at them with something they'd never suspect: the whole fruit basket. I mean, these guys obviously braved the landmines, moat and T-Rex* to get a shot of your's truly, so they deserve a glimpse of something awesome and possibly diamond-crusted. Wink. *I have many valuables. (Read: Comic books and Swedish fish.)

Rod Stewart requires breastfeeding at 63

Rod Stewart and his wife English model Penny Lancaster were sailing in the Mediterranean over the weekend and apparently it was time for Rod's feeding. While I assumed that would require the blood of peasant children, it was way, way weirder than that. Turns out Rod Stewart is breastfed by his wife. I'll pause for a moment while you fuck the what. I guess growing old does come with some advantages - provided you're a world-famous millionaire singer with a yacht. Otherwise, this experience doesn't really translate well for us regular folks. Right, Grandpa? Hey, where'd you get a grenade? NOTE: Pics link to NSFW versions that you can click on at your own risk - unless you hate having erections. Then by all means... Thanks to Karen for making me suspicious of nursing homes. Or should I say - dens of iniquity? I blame the bread pudding.

Miranda Kerr gets topless for Orlando Bloom

Victoria's Secret model Miranda Kerr and boyfriend Orlando Bloom hit up Gran Canaria, Spain for some topless action. I love how she's using a book to cover her fun parts. When I'm nude it requires the whole Encyclopedia Brittanica to cover my business. You know, once it loaded onto an iPod. I should really turn the AC down in my apartment. Yeah, that's gotta be it... NOTE: Pics link to uncensored NSFW versions which include a Miranda Kerr nipple and, for the ladies/Geekologist, an entire Orlando Bloom buttocks. Who loves ya?

Cheryl Burke of Dancing With The Stars in a bikini

If you've ever watched ABC's Dancing with the Stars, then you'll recognize professional ballroom dancer Cheryl Burke enjoying the beach in Hawaii. If you're like me and do more productive things like drink whiskey and build LEGOs, you have no idea who the hell she is. However, Cheryl passes the ever critical test of being on this site: A.) she's quasi-famous. and most importantly B.) she's in a bikini. Tom Brokaw once asked me how I've adhered to such high standards for so long. I just looked him deep in the eyes and said "No, Tom, you're not getting a job here." Then he suckered punched me in the pancreas. Non-fiction tale. NOTE: Last pic is LSFW depending on your work's areola policy. Here, we allow it. But only in the context of breast-feeding or stirring my coffee. Because, at The Superficial, it's people who matter most.